Golgo Banana Showdown 1 - Report
Starring
Golgo Man & Kirk “Danger“ Hasslehöffner by East Riding Miniatures.
Grif Ingram by Rattrap Productions.
by Pulp Figures
And
Deathray Dimitri and Harry Sov by Pulp Figures.
Yuri 4 fingers by Superfigs.
by Mega Minis
And the kind participation of
Special effects, make up and rubber suits
by RAFM
by Superfigs
Banana Speeder by Old Crow models
Scenario by
Drink responsibly
Sets and props
Vietnam war table and jungle temple table by Tigerwolves productions.
Chinese village by Walktapus.
By Old Crow models / Ainsty Castings
Tamed animals
by Mega Minis
None of them were harmed during the shooting.
Introduction
Across the reaches of Time and Space comes the Banana Tyrant! Infamous criminal and part time Intergalactic Dictator, the Tyrant is seeking refuge as the Galactic Federation pursue him in retribution for him turning the inhabitants of Xanthos IV into cannibal monkey nuns.
Commander Kirk “Danger” Hasslehöffner is the only man to be trusted with such a perilous mission. Having defeated the Robot Piranha Men from the planet Kod, Kirk is ready for anything. But even he has never faced anything like the Banana Tyrant before: a huge powerful beast with the mutated brain of a thousand geniuses, a bad temper and a MK7 Destructo Beam Gun.
Seeking refuge from the Federation, the Tyrant has been hiding for years upon a mysterious island lost in the middle of a tedious and mediocre planet of no value. But the Tyrant has been betrayed by the powerful electro-telekinetic waves emitted by his own awesome mutated brain. His location has been revealed to the Federation and Commander Kirk and the finest crew of bounty hunters this side of the Medusa Eclipse are hot on his trail.
Their mission is simple: bring back the Tyrant for trial at the Justice Court of Uranus. Here, the beast will be charged with fraud, possession of drugs, speeding, ship theft, inter-species rape, drinking, pot-smoking, drinking and pot-smoking at the wheel in hyperspacial drive, assault, shoplifting, crookery, nookery, impersonating a member of the Quallafax Royal Family, inventing illegal death rays, inventing giant three legged giant robot penguins with illegal death rays, devouring a parking warden and using the whole of the Thex-Stigma Quadrant as his personal brothel.
Mission update: Commander Kirk “Danger” Hasslehöffner’s ship, The Crimson Mooncow landed successfully on Golgo Island. Malfunctioning auto camo resulting in much undesired attention including attempted hijacking by adventurers trying to escape the island, crazed flesh hungry cannibals, deluded pirates presuming craft is a drug loaded plane, trainspotters and a small man called Keith who is convinced the craft is ‘a magic whale’ that can take him to Pixieland. Mission impeded by island wide hunt for the Banana Tyrant by local forces. Many rumours of great wealth and precious stones in Tyrant’s lair. Proceeding with caution and extreme prejudice.
Act 1 – Lights in the sky
Thor Pasadenas was quietly doing his everyday job of villain crushing and world saving at a jungle temple where for the upteenth time, the Great Cthulhu had been summoned - this time by the Ramirez brothers.
In a weird conjunction of atomic physics and occult science, the dark rituals irradiated the entire region ; the black magic-saturated stellar dust was carried and spread over a large area by a mysterious celestial body that penetrated the atmosphere, tearing the skies apart as it emerged from the cosmos.
For miles around, the dead started to rise from the grave.
Prof Harry Sov’s secret hideout, a deserted military base, was suddenly assaulted by zombies and skeletal soldiers focused on the single object of their undeath: to kick red butts.
On the opposite side of the island, Kirk “Danger” Hasslehöffner landed near what looked like a more densely inhabited region hoping to collect information about the location of the Banana Tyrant. Despite his peaceful intentions, things started to go seriously wrong. The local mercenaries Kirk hired, Dante Comanchero and Fist of Golgo, had heard legends about the Banana Tyrant’s treasure and decided to double-cross him… They made a deal with the evil empire of Kung-fu to hijack the mission from its initial objective, and use the information to steal the beast’s gold. Masked assassins started to appear everywhere, slaughtering the villagers, and torturing the local elder Kirk was in talks with.
Devastated by this disaster, Uncle Qi, Uncle Ho and Uncle Mo set out to avenge those crimes, and protect their village from another – for they are well aware that none shall challenge The Mighty Banana Chewer Whose Teeth Are Made of Dark Metal.
Act 2 – The Map to the Valley of the Lost Banana
A race against the clock begins – and the key to the Banana Tyrant’s lair is the scattered pieces of a map drawn in preacher’s blood. Even partial information contained in a single piece of that map might prove vital to the various actors’ progress.
Deep within the jungle, the 3 uncles were chasing Dante Comanchero’s merciless mercenaries – and, as if the perils of the jungle and the mortal enemies were not enough, they came across the path of the NecroUndead Skeletons of the 168th infantry regiment, who, after they got rid of Prof Harry Sov, seemed eager to destroy another enemy. One they would call “Charlie”.
Not far from there, they heard more gunfire – it sounded like they weren’t alone in that corner of the jungle, and Dante Comanchero’s men were being ambushed as well. From his position, Uncle Qi could smell the mix of gunpowder and garlic.
After facing a thousand dangers, Uncle Mo was finally wounded by a man in a strange outfit he distinctly saw holding a fragment of the map.
Meanwhile, Thor Pasadenas and his companions Walter Kotchev and Fu Cheng were still struggling against the Great Cthulhu and the Ramirez bros whom they followed to the Monkey Canyon.
“Admire the genius of my plan, you pathetic fool!” Mustafa Ramirez roared as he held a fragment of the map “While you’re busy with that petty time-waster of yours of saving this world from the devilish forces of R’lyeh, I’ll be flying away to another galaxy, carrying the greatest treasure of all: the Golden Banana! Muhahahaha! MUHAHA-”.
His mad laughs were interrupted by a blow dealt from behind by a deep one, and a horde of others surrounding him.
“Curses! We’d better leave this place and find a way to counter that terrible plan! Let’s move, amigos” Thor Pasadenas decided.
Act 3 – Riding On Metal Wings
Beyond life and death, sergeant O’Flanagan had sworn to bring his troops to ultimate victory, whatever the costs. And that was exactly what he was doing.
“We got a job to finish, guys. Charlie wants to escape. But we ain’t gonna let them. We gonna kick their ass, and kick it good. And when we kicked it good, we gonna kick it again”, he said, clicking his skeletal jaws.
“Sarge! Enemy sighted – there’s a car over there, and several groups of armed civvies running towards it”
“Let’s move!”
Kid Robert Capron was quietly “having a rest” in a bush after hours of an exhausting drive when he saw people rushing towards him – north, south, east and west!
As he got back to his car, he realised he must have dropped his keys when he hurried to put his overalls back on. And it certainly wasn’t the right time to search the red sand for them.
“Ok, guys, bring it on! No way Kid Robert’s gonna leave you a brand new second-hand car he hasn’t even finished paying for”.
When he woke up a few hours later with a serious nosebleed and a missing ear, a man with a funny moustache told him his car had been stolen by a group of skeletal soldiers because of a masked wrestler, and offered his assistance to get his revenge upon them.
Miles away from there, SurfMonkey and his crew of Space Apes had landed their spacecraft, and were exploring a place where it was obvious some superhuman fighting had taken place.
“SurfMonkey, do yo think this could be the work of the Banana Tyrant?”
“No. I know his ways pretty well – I’ve spent my bounty hunter career tracking him – and I can tell you for sure: he never uses green tentacles”.
“Oh. Can it have anything to do with the big glowing green thing we can see over there?”
While SurfMonkey’s crew was fighting the interdimensional horrors, Dante Comanchero sneaked into their shuttle, thinking the yellow flyer was the best way to search the area for the Valley of The Lost Banana. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find the gears, and minutes later, The Great Cthulhu pulled his mighty tin-opener from his side pockets and extracted him from the space craft.
Act 4 – The Guy Who Knew Too Much
For years… For a lifetime… Reverend Nice had preached all around the globe to pull souls out of ignorance and superstition and bring them the lights of the one true faith.
Then, there was that strange experience yesterday. A red spacecraft ornamented with silvery metals and horns on its nose he saw landing in the distance. He regretted he mentioned seeing it, as all the mission laughed at him every time he showed up.
And now there was this: a huge tentacled monster riding a banana-yellow shuttle. Paranoia, no doubt.
“Rev! Someone asked for the guy who saw a red spacecraft ornamented with silvery metals and horns on its nose. I sent him your way.”
But the good old reverend wasn’t the only one who saw the Crimson Mooncow land in the Valley of The Lost Banana. Melvin Blue had seen it too. For him, it began last night on a lonely country road, looking for a shortcut that he never found. It began with a birthday party, and a man too drunk to continue his journey. It began with the landing of a craft from another galaxy. Then Melvin Blue woke up in a shack with an Elvis impersonator and a masked luchador, and a horde of zombies led by a she-vampire wrestler shambling in his direction.
“Are you the one who saw a spacecraft?”
“Oh. Err. If you too can see the zombies, the triceratops and the horrible fur coat that guy outside is wearing, then I guess I did see a spacecraft.”
Act 5 – Zorglapocalypse
After a duel worthy of an Olympic clash, the Banana Tyrant emerged victorious over Kirk Danger Hasslehöffner and his gang of stellar bounty hunters.
His powerful brain could sense other incoming threats, though. People after his treasure.
Hit by a shotgun, the cosmic mastermind roared a roar of pain that could be heard across the island. From all over, his bestial lackies, the Zorgls, rushed to cover his escape in Kirk’s shuttle.
The way was clear now for a final confrontation between the 3 uncles and Dante Comanchero’s men, who had been infected by the Great Cthulhu’s tentacles in a way words cannot describe. Facing such antagonism, the Ramirez brothers preferred to stay back and watch the scene. A plan that didn’t work out as they were harassed by savage beasts; after Renato was stung by a giant scorpion and Kid Robert lost a foot to a hungry snake, Mustafa Ramirez finally decided to postpone his plans of galactic domination and let the Fist of Golgo claim the Banana Tyrant’s fantastic treasure on behalf of Dante Comanchero’s communist ideals, that had been further corrupted by mind-blowing visions of R’lyeh.
Not far from there, the Banana Tyrant was circled by Thor Pasadenas’ companions, a horde of deep ones, and hateful skeleton soldiers. Facing possible destruction once again, he intensified the telekinetic waves of his brain and instilled frenzy and bloodthirst in the Zorgls’ primitive intelligence, while trying to escape in the Crimson Mooncow.
He started the engines… The cockpit was slowly beginning to go down and he was starting to wave goodbye with his handkerchief when Fu Cheng, the blind master executioner beheaded him by the killer lampshade.
Fighting his way to the space craft, Thor Pasadenas and Walter Kotchev wreaked havoc among the panicking masses of Zorgls, left helpless without their master. Taking advantage of the situation, Sergeant O’Flanagan caused them great injury by shooting them in the head with a bullet. Guided by the shots fired, Fu Cheng threw his instrument of death at him and sent him to eternal rest again.
Carnage. Blood. Murder. Death. As long as he could remember, this had been the story of the old blind man’s life.
He sighed.
Without a word of goodbye to his wounded companions, Fu Cheng got into the Crimson Mooncow.
Though his blind eyes would never see the stars, he wanted, at the sunset of his wretched life, to feel the stellar wind in his hair before he died.
He started the engines. And crashed into the mountains in front of him.
The End